I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
