Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
