K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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