sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
