it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
