Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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