I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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