If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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