So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
