i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
