I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
