How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just google imaged poop.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
