I smell stomach acid.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Randomize
