Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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