the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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