Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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