this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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