He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
