if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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