So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
