so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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