I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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