When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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