I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
