Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Is Oprah even human
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize