i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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