there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
