Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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