At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
She made me pour olive oil on her.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
