The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
