someone threw a dead crab at me
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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