:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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