just survived the first fart of the relationship.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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