sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
