Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
