why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
