I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
