clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
