Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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