Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Success! We fucked roommates!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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