this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
