The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
