ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm too high and old for this...
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
