Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
