I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
