I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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