my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
