I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
whose ass print is on the piano?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
