do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize