Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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